coming back

It's been almost 2 years since I have written a real blog post. By real I mean a post that wasn't some passive aggressive rant from that crazy person who let herself fall down that terrible black hole called depression. And before that my desperate attempt to ward off said crazy person by being thankful for a month (see November 2011).

But here I am. I am not the person I was before my mom past away. I lost that person trying too hard to be strong and instead becoming a hardened heart.

For a while I thought I was doing okay... I distracted myself with an awesome vacation with my hubby, learned how to sew a dress, immersed myself in photography. That worked for about a year. But somewhere along the line something snapped and I gave myself permission to stay in bed most of the day, order my kids around from that bed and basically check out of my life. I'd check back in a couple times a week and keep up appearances but anxiety moved in and it was an emotional roller coast from then on.

You know those anti-depression commercials where they say "depression hurts everyone"? It's true. While I went in and out of my depressive state I would occasionally jump on the pity party train and wonder if anyone cared at all about me. I would make a mental list... 'okay - my kids love me and need me. My husband loves me... but how much longer will he love me? I haven't showered in 2 days, my eyebrows haven't been waxed in MONTHS and I look like Oscar the Grouch. I'd post something cryptic and FB and hope for an encouraging response. Those who responded were added to my "someone cares about me list". I prayed. I cried. A lot.

I knew I had lost it. My house was a mess, I didn't want anyone to see it. My kids would ask to have a friend over and I would basically have an anxiety attack/ heck no! about it. I was a hermit living with social squirrels and we were driving each other nuts.

A few friends made their attempts but let's be honest. Those who have been down the black hole and gotten out know their own fragility and that misery loves company. They know that standing on the edge of that hole with an outstretched hand can be pretty dangerous. And those who haven't been there are busy keeping their own lives in order.

So here I am, giving full disclosure of my state of mind and spirit this past year. It's taken me a month to write this post and though I still feel terribly vulnerable putting this all out there, I hope my "in real life friends" will still hang out with me and maybe have a better understanding of why I am the way I am... even if I don't really know for sure.