Friday, November 1, 2013

coming back

It's been almost 2 years since I have written a real blog post. By real I mean a post that wasn't some passive aggressive rant from that crazy person who let herself fall down that terrible black hole called depression. And before that my desperate attempt to ward off said crazy person by being thankful for a month (see November 2011).

But here I am. I am not the person I was before my mom past away. I lost that person trying too hard to be strong and instead becoming a hardened heart.

For a while I thought I was doing okay... I distracted myself with an awesome vacation with my hubby, learned how to sew a dress, immersed myself in photography. That worked for about a year. But somewhere along the line something snapped and I gave myself permission to stay in bed most of the day, order my kids around from that bed and basically check out of my life. I'd check back in a couple times a week and keep up appearances but anxiety moved in and it was an emotional roller coast from then on.

You know those anti-depression commercials where they say "depression hurts everyone"? It's true. While I went in and out of my depressive state I would occasionally jump on the pity party train and wonder if anyone cared at all about me. I would make a mental list... 'okay - my kids love me and need me. My husband loves me... but how much longer will he love me? I haven't showered in 2 days, my eyebrows haven't been waxed in MONTHS and I look like Oscar the Grouch. I'd post something cryptic and FB and hope for an encouraging response. Those who responded were added to my "someone cares about me list". I prayed. I cried. A lot.

I knew I had lost it. My house was a mess, I didn't want anyone to see it. My kids would ask to have a friend over and I would basically have an anxiety attack/ heck no! about it. I was a hermit living with social squirrels and we were driving each other nuts.

A few friends made their attempts but let's be honest. Those who have been down the black hole and gotten out know their own fragility and that misery loves company. They know that standing on the edge of that hole with an outstretched hand can be pretty dangerous. And those who haven't been there are busy keeping their own lives in order.

So here I am, giving full disclosure of my state of mind and spirit this past year. It's taken me a month to write this post and though I still feel terribly vulnerable putting this all out there, I hope my "in real life friends" will still hang out with me and maybe have a better understanding of why I am the way I am... even if I don't really know for sure.

6 comments:

Lucy said...

Hugs all the way from New Jersey. I hope you know how much I love you.

Wendy Barnett said...

Amy...I have cried for my Mommy everyday since she passed away. I know how bad it hurts. When my house was burglarized and I thought they stole her ring I was literally screaming my head off -- I was on the phone with Darrell and the way I was screaming and crying he thought the bad guys were in the house and were attacking me! I found it when I was cleaning up and it has stayed on my finger ever since! Its hard girl..I don't know how we will ever get over it...

Sara Lyn said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful, strong woman! Strength isn't always what we think it is. Be gentle with my friend! (That's you.) :)

Ron Lee said...

First things first... be good to yourself first, the rest will follow.

I love you and your family sweetheart. I am so proud of the person you have become and the people you have gathered around you..... and you are an awesome photographer.

We need more of a loving mother's pictures of the kids, and of Mike and those self portraits of you, you and Mike and of the whole family.

Vanessa said...

Wish we lived closer. :(

Amy G. said...

Thanks for all your kind words. :)

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