Happy 7th Birthday to my "Favorite Son"

It was nice to spend Saturday with family :) Hayden drove a go-cart by himself for the first time and received many nice gifts from his family including robots, an r/c helicopter, a basketball and a few other r/c toys.

My favorite season

I have to say I really love Fall. It's amazing how a change in seasons changes my outlook on life. We've had beautiful days here in Florida with just the right temperature and just the right amount of wind.

I recently took some pictures at the LDS Temple in Orlando and while talking to the groundskeeper I learned that these beautiful landscapes had just been planted and yet, would be torn out in a matter of 2 weeks. They are expecting a frost and will soon be replacing them with hardier plants. I'm sure there is a life lesson to be learned from this and will ponder...

coming back

It's been almost 2 years since I have written a real blog post. By real I mean a post that wasn't some passive aggressive rant from that crazy person who let herself fall down that terrible black hole called depression. And before that my desperate attempt to ward off said crazy person by being thankful for a month (see November 2011).

But here I am. I am not the person I was before my mom past away. I lost that person trying too hard to be strong and instead becoming a hardened heart.

For a while I thought I was doing okay... I distracted myself with an awesome vacation with my hubby, learned how to sew a dress, immersed myself in photography. That worked for about a year. But somewhere along the line something snapped and I gave myself permission to stay in bed most of the day, order my kids around from that bed and basically check out of my life. I'd check back in a couple times a week and keep up appearances but anxiety moved in and it was an emotional roller coast from then on.

You know those anti-depression commercials where they say "depression hurts everyone"? It's true. While I went in and out of my depressive state I would occasionally jump on the pity party train and wonder if anyone cared at all about me. I would make a mental list... 'okay - my kids love me and need me. My husband loves me... but how much longer will he love me? I haven't showered in 2 days, my eyebrows haven't been waxed in MONTHS and I look like Oscar the Grouch. I'd post something cryptic and FB and hope for an encouraging response. Those who responded were added to my "someone cares about me list". I prayed. I cried. A lot.

I knew I had lost it. My house was a mess, I didn't want anyone to see it. My kids would ask to have a friend over and I would basically have an anxiety attack/ heck no! about it. I was a hermit living with social squirrels and we were driving each other nuts.

A few friends made their attempts but let's be honest. Those who have been down the black hole and gotten out know their own fragility and that misery loves company. They know that standing on the edge of that hole with an outstretched hand can be pretty dangerous. And those who haven't been there are busy keeping their own lives in order.

So here I am, giving full disclosure of my state of mind and spirit this past year. It's taken me a month to write this post and though I still feel terribly vulnerable putting this all out there, I hope my "in real life friends" will still hang out with me and maybe have a better understanding of why I am the way I am... even if I don't really know for sure.

To blog or not to blog, that is the question...

Trying to decide if I should start blogging again...
What do YOU think? Leave a comment.

When I get at least 20 different people commenting, I'll get serious about blogging again.

Oh my gosh

Doesn't ANYONE know how to spell LOSE? Seriously!? At least three posts on Facebook today spelled it LOOSE. It's driving me bonkers!

(Don't mind me - it's just the stress of summer/moving/change talking/taking over my life/barking irrationally).

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

So as it turns out, I'm just a big fat liar. And my long absence from blogging is just further proof that I am inconsistent, irregular (ehhem...), and not to be counted on. Apparently depression will do that to a person. I'm not making any promises but I am setting a few goals that will improve life here in wet, damp and humid Florida. Wish me luck?

FYI - We're still alive

Sorry for the abrupt end of blog posts. Facebook lured me away. So did Words With Friends... and DrawSomething.

Please forgive me.

Posts will resume soon. I promise.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 19

I'm grateful today for prayer. And Sara Lyn. And Sara Lyn. And Sara Lyn. And prayer. And Sara Lyn. And Dr. Pepper (but just a little bit.)

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 18

I am thankful that I only took 2 Benedryls today because if I had taken more I am certain the house would have burned down and the kids would have roasted marshmallows while I slept through it all.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 17

I'm thankful for my blog. It's so fun to go back and see my view on life over the past 4-5 years.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 16

I'm thankful for friends who share their kids hand-me-downs with my kids. I didn't even realize that we needed them until they were given to me. They sure have been a blessing with Sammy's potty-training issues.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 15

I am thankful for easy spaghetti dinners on nights that I don't feel like anything. I am also thankful for library books and that my kids love them so much. It's so fun to watch my 3 and 5 year olds sit with a book and tell their own story, page by page... especially when they don't know I am watching or listening. :)

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 14

Good weather, rotten kids, grocery shopping alone, vehicles that run well enough, running water...

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 13

I'm thankful that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm thankful for my calling as YW secretary because it allows me to be surrounded by awesome young women and leaders. I love that they can be such great examples to each other and to me.

Today a YW "graduate" stopped me in the hallway at church and I was just so freakin' proud of who she has become. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the for all that it can and will do to change a persons life for the better.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 12

I am thankful for my little family. And today I am thankful for Amanda. She is awesome. At Hayden's birthday party today she took control of the games without a moment of hesitation. She even drew and painted a picture of a monster for "Pin the Eye on the Monster". And she totally rocked it. She loved the kids, the kids loved her and she ran the games like a pro.

I'd post a ton of pictures of it all, but we're having computer issues right now.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 11

I am thankful for the triage nurse who understood and didn't make me drag my kid around in the car all day when she just needed a prescription filled and rest at home. What a relief!

AND...

I am very thankful for the fairy godmother and her children for coming over and cleaning my kitchen and sweeping my floors and loving my kids... just wish she could have stayed longer so we could just hang.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 10

I am thankful that I have a husband that just "knows". And for the time we had together today to recover from a long night with Samantha.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 9

I am thankful for busy days and for my awesome husband. And for the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 8

I was so busy today and so wiped out at the end of the day that I didn't post anything... I am grateful that I had the energy to be so active on this day and since there's probably only 1 person reading this anyway, I am grateful that I didn't disappoint anyone too much. :)

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 7

I'm thankful for our carpet cleaner... and our washing machine. And the patience God bestowed upon me today. :)